英文搞笑小故事 英文幽默小故事简短
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An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits.
"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed."
"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But why have you added so many more this time?"
"You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you."
While wisiting the cemetery,a sorrowful couple noticed a headstone,which read,"here lies a lawyer and a honest nan"."look at that",the woman said,"money's so tight they're putting then two in a grave."
Lawyer Jokes :
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
什么问题，不是问题吧
what is this ?
老处女求援
一个老处女打电话到消防队：“喂，喂！请赶快派
人来……有两个年轻人正想从窗子爬进我的房间！”
消防队的负责人告诉她：“是由警察处理的，你
为什么打电话到消防队来？”
“因为，要从窗子爬进来，必须有一把长梯子才
行。”
有两条蛇遇到了一起.
其中有一条蛇问:"大哥,我们有毒吗?"
另一条蛇问:"你说这干啥."
那条蛇说:"我咬到了自己的舌头"
Let me take it down An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ." "Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know." 为我所用 一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。” “请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。 An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits. "Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed." "It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But why have you added so many more this time?" "You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you." While wisiting the cemetery,a sorrowful couple noticed a headstone,which read,"here lies a lawyer and a honest nan"."look at that",the woman said,"money's so tight they're putting then two in a grave." Lawyer Jokes : A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave." __________________________________ These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. __________________________________ Q: What is your date of birthA: July 15th. Q: What yearA: Every year. Q: How old is your son, the one living with youA: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with youA: Forty-five years. _________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morningA: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset youA: My name is Susan. _________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminatedA: By death. __________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorneyA: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. __________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulseA: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressureA: No. Q: Did you check for breathingA: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsyA: No. Q: How can you be so sure, DoctorA: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, neverthelessA: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. A:Nice to meet you. B:Nice to meet you,too. C:Nice to meet you,three.
英文搞笑小故事
一、曾子杀猪
曾子的妻子要到集市去，她的儿子边跟着她边哭，他的母亲（曾子的妻子）说：“你回去，等我回家后为你杀一头猪。”妻子到集市后回来了，曾子就要抓住一头猪把它杀了，妻子制止他说：“刚才只不过是与小孩子闹着玩儿罢了。”
曾子说：“小孩子是不能和他闹着玩儿的。小孩子是不懂事的，是要靠父母而逐步学习的，并听从父母的教诲。如今你欺骗他，是教他学会欺骗。母亲欺骗儿子，做儿子的就不会相信自己的母亲，这不是把孩子教育好该用的办法。”于是就杀了猪把它煮了。
二、一诺千金的故事
以前有个叫做季布的人，为人非常守信用，答应别人的事情就一定会做到，因此在当时就有“得黄金百斤，不如得季布一诺”的说法。该说法流传至今，人们便用千金一诺来形容一个人说话做事非常守信用。千金一诺可谓是我们中华民族自古以来一直推崇的传统美德。
三、晋文公退兵得城
晋文公有一次派兵围攻“原”这个地方，行前宣布，如果三天攻城不下，即刻退兵。三天后，眼看对方援绝粮尽，只要再过一天就会投降；晋文公却坚持退兵，他觉得对人民信守承诺比攻占城池重要。结果就因为晋文公的诚信，反而感动对方，主动献城投降。
四、韩信报恩的故事
汉朝的开国功臣韩信，幼时家里很贫穷，有一位为别人当佣人的老婆婆很同情他，支持他读书，还每天给他饭吃。韩信很感激，他对老人说：“我长大了一定要报答你。”后来韩信被刘邦封为楚王，他将老人接到自己的宫殿里，像对待自己的母亲一样对待他。
五、宋庆龄冒雨赴约
一次，她去幼儿园对小朋友许下承诺，“六一”儿童节那天和小朋友们一起过节日。可是那天天气突变，刮起了大风，下起了大雨，老师和同学们都以为宋庆龄奶奶不会来了，当她们失望地望着窗外灰蒙蒙的天时，宋庆龄奶奶的车奇迹般地出现在校园门口，孩子们惊喜地笑了，老师用激动的心情紧紧握住了宋庆龄奶奶的手，宋庆龄奶奶对老师说了一句话：“既然我说了，就得守信。”
1一诺千金
西汉初年有一个叫季布的人，他为人正直，乐于助人，特别是非常讲信义。只要是他答应过的事，无论有多么困难，他一定要想方设法办到，所以在当时名声很好。 季布曾经是项羽的部将，他很会打仗，几次把刘邦打败，弄得刘邦很狼狈。后来项被围自杀，刘邦夺取天下，当上了皇帝。刘邦每想起败在季布手下的事，就十分生气。怒愤之下，刘邦下令辑拿季布。
幸好有个姓周的人得到了这个消息，秘密地将季布送到鲁地一户姓朱的人家。朱家是关东一霸，素以“任侠”闻名。此人很欣赏季布的侠义行为，尽力将季布保护起来。不仅如此，还专程到洛阳去找汝阴侯夏侯婴，请他解救季布。
夏侯婴从小与刘邦很亲近，后来跟刘邦起兵，转战各地，为刘邦建立汉王朝立下了汉马功劳。他很同情季布的不幸处境，在刘邦面前为季布说情，终于使刘邦赦免了季布，还封他为郎中。不久又任命他为河东太守。
当时，楚地有个名叫曹丘生的人，能言善辩，专爱结交权贵。季布和这个人是同乡，很瞧不起他，并在一些朋友面前表示过厌恶之意，偏偏曹丘生听说季布又做了大官，一心想巴结他，特地请求皇亲国戚窦长君写一封信给季布，介绍自己给季布认识。窦长君早就知道季布对他印象不好，劝他不要去见季布，免得惹出是非来，但曹丘生坚持要窦长君介绍。窦长君无奈，只好勉强写了一封推荐信，派人送到季布那里。
季布读了信后，很不高兴，准备等曹丘生来时，当面教训教训他。过了几天，曹丘生果然登门拜访。季布一见曹丘生，就历露厌恶之情。曹丘生对此毫不在乎，先恭恭敬敬地向季布施礼，然后慢条斯理地说：“我们楚地有句俗语，叫做‘得黄金百两，不如得季布一诺’。您是怎样得到这么高的声誉的呢？您和我都是楚人，如今我在各处宣扬您的好名声，这难道不好吗？您又何必不愿见我呢？”
季布觉得曹丘生说得很有道理，顿时不再讨厌他，并热情款待他，留他在府里住了几个月。曹丘生临走时，还送他许多礼物。曹丘生确实也照自己说过的那样去做，每到一地，就宣扬季布如何礼贤下士，如何仗义疏财。这样，季布的名声越来越大。 后人用“一诺千金”亚形容一个人很讲信用，说话算数。
2信如尾生
尾生故事始于《庄子·盗跖》篇：“尾生与女子期于梁下，女子不来，水至不去，抱梁柱而死。”这是一个古老得不能再古老的爱情故事，后人誉为守情有义的典范。
曾参的妻子带孩子去市场买菜，一路上孩子哭闹不停，曾参的妻子就对儿子说: "你回去吧，等我回去杀猪给你吃。"儿子果然乖乖地回家了。等她回到家里，就看见曾参正准备杀猪，就急忙阻止说:"我不过是想安抚儿子罢了，和孩子不用这么计较。" 但是曾参不同意:"怎么能和孩子开这样的玩笑呢?孩子现在还小，你这样说话不算数，他一定有样学样。你现在欺骗他，就是教他不守信用，而你不遵守约定，就会让孩子对你这个母亲失去信任，教育孩子可不能这样做。"说完之后，曾参就把猪杀了。
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英文幽默小故事简短
经典励志故事：对手强大是件幸事
有时候拥有一个强劲的竞争对手真是一件幸事。
在秀丽的日本北海道盛产一种味道极为鲜美的鳗鱼，海边渔村的许多渔民都以捕捞鳗鱼为生。然而这种珍贵鳗鱼的生命却特别脆弱，它一旦离开深海便容易死去，为此渔民们捕回的鳗鱼往往都是死的。
在村子里，却有一位老渔民天天出海捕鳗，返回岸边后他的鳗鱼总是活蹦乱跳，几无死者。而与之一起出海的其他渔户纵是使尽招数，回岸依旧是一船死鳗鱼。因为鳗鱼活的少，自然就奇货可居起来，活鳗鱼的价格也是死鳗鱼的几倍。于是同样的几年工夫，老渔民成了当时有名的富翁，其他的渔民却只能维持简单的温饱。
时间长了，渔村甚至开始传言老渔民有某种魔力，让鳗鱼保持生命。
就在老渔民临终前，他决定把秘诀公之于世。其实老渔民并没什么魔力，他使鳗鱼不死的方法非常简单，就是在捕捞上的鳗鱼中，再加入几条叫狗鱼的杂鱼。狗鱼非但不是鳗鱼的同类，而且是鳗鱼的“死对头”。几条势单力薄的狗鱼在面对众多的“对手”时，便惊慌失措地在鳗鱼堆里四处乱窜，由此却勾起了鳗鱼们旺盛的斗志，一船死气沉沉的鳗鱼就这样给激活了。
引入几个“对手”便使一船鳗鱼起死回生，老渔民的做法不能不令人惊奇。而在现实生活中，没有竞争的地方也往往是死水一潭，一旦有了竞争，人们则斗志昂扬，激情四射，这正是竞争的力量之所在。
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